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Whiny American Dude

Why do I haveta write this column? I hate writing, it always makes my hands cramp ... and all this paper is just killing trees and destroying the environment...

where is our mind, by MucciI hate that. It's like the other day I bought a hamburger and they put mustard on it and I wanted ketchup. Why do they do that? So I asked her for ketchup and they made me pay for it. Why do I have to pay for ketchup? I don't wanna pay for it, it should be included in the cost.

Mustard always gives me the runs, so I went into the KFC and they have a bathroom there and a security guard. Are KFCs that rowdy? Too many Bread-Meal Deals and they get violent? Violence just makes me violent, yuck.

So I go in the bathroom, and it's not a western bathroom, it's Czech. Why does it seem that all the toilet seats in Prague were stolen from a trailer park in Little Hope, Arkansas?

And how come the toilet paper is the same color and consistency of masticated newsprint? I hate that. So there I am in the bathroom stall and for the one hundredth time since I got here, somebody opens the stall door. Don't they know it's closed? Don't they know how to knock? They never knock, I hate that.

So I finished and as I left I got thirsty and decided to stop at Krone's to buy a soda.

I started to go in and a UN looking security guard stopped me and ordered me to take a basket, only there weren't any baskets to take and I only wanted one soda and they kept telling me paragraphs in Czech and they know I only speak american, why do they do that?

Why must I take a basket? I don't even like baskets, and I really hate old ladies with baskets, so I left and went to a NonStop-SecondHand-SexShop Cafe `coz it had a Coke sign outside and I ordered an ice tea, only there wasn't any ice in it. Why do they call it iced tea? So I asked the lady for some ice for my non-iced tea and she took my non-iced tea away for ten minutes and returned and I guess it was iced tea now `coz it had an ice cube in it. That's right, one ice cube.

Why are the Czechs so adverse to ice? I really hate that.


Illustration by David "Mucci" Fasset