Why do I haveta write this column? I hate writing, it always makes my hands cramp ... and all this paper is just killing trees and destroying the environment...

I hate that. It's like the other day I bought a hamburger and they put mustard on it and I wanted ketchup. Why do they do that? So I asked her for ketchup and they made me pay for it. Why do I have to pay for ketchup? I don't wanna pay for it, it should be included in the cost.

Mustard always gives me the runs, so I went into the KFC and they have a bathroom there and a security guard. Are KFCs that rowdy? Too many Bread-Meal Deals and they get violent? Violence just makes me violent, yuck.

So I go in the bathroom, and it's not a western bathroom, it's Czech. Why does it seem that all the toilet seats in Prague were stolen from a trailer park in Little Hope, Arkansas?

And how come the toilet paper is the same color and consistency of masticated newsprint? I hate that. So there I am in the bathroom stall and for the one hundredth time since I got here, somebody opens the stall door. Don't they know it's closed? Don't they know how to knock? They never knock, I hate that.

So I finished and as I left I got thirsty and decided to stop at Krone's to buy a soda.

I started to go in and a UN looking security guard stopped me and ordered me to take a basket, only there weren't any baskets to take and I only wanted one soda and they kept telling me paragraphs in Czech and they know I only speak american, why do they do that?

Why must I take a basket? I don't even like baskets, and I really hate old ladies with baskets, so I left and went to a NonStop-SecondHand-SexShop Cafe `coz it had a Coke sign outside and I ordered an ice tea, only there wasn't any ice in it. Why do they call it iced tea? So I asked the lady for some ice for my non-iced tea and she took my non-iced tea away for ten minutes and returned and I guess it was iced tea now `coz it had an ice cube in it. That's right, one ice cube.

Why are the Czechs so adverse to ice? I really hate that.